Luke Carter

“I love this. But at times I find it difficult to love myself. Perspective; that old chestnut… today my perspective is distorted by self-worth. I am peering through glass at a life I cannot live, and what I see I cannot feel.”

—Old Journal Entry

Do you love yourself?

If your immediate reaction is “Give me a break!” or “I think I should focus on loving others…”, hold on a moment and hear me out. What I have to say might just make everything in your life a bit better.

Self-loathing is not humility; it’s a deep misunderstanding of who you are. It’s a kind of self-inflicted paralysis, preventing you from moving forward. To lose yourself in self-loathing is to deny the image of God in which you were created.

I once carried an undercurrent of self-loathing that led to a breakdown lasting years. I couldn’t and didn’t help anybody during that time. I hurt those around me. I made a point to change that.

It’s an intuitive fact that a person who hates themselves isn’t great company. It’s easier to be loving and show love to others when you’re not weighed down by self-loathing.

Could it be true, then, that the more you love yourself, the more you’re able to love others?

And perhaps, in some way, you’re a reflection of your own life—and life itself in a broader sense. So, if you have a good relationship with yourself, it might be much easier to love life itself.

Isn’t loving life a really good thing?

 

Misconceptions About Self-Love

Someone once disagreed with me about self-love. He was adamant that self-love is selfish—a “me first, I want it all and I want it now” kind of attitude.

But really, his idea of self-love was: “I’ll just indulge in immediate hedonistic cravings and call that self-love.”

No.

When you logically follow that thought through, we end up doing the very opposite—we do things to our bodies and minds that feel good in the moment but are actually harmful. Like slow suicide. 

Fast food. Cigarettes. Excessive alcohol. Pornography. Cheap, emotionless encounters. Social media binges. The endless scroll.

You wouldn’t offer these things to your child or your partner our your friend! Instead, you nourish and cherish them as best as you can, as the Good Book says:

“None of us hate our own bodies. We provide for them and take good care of them…”

—Ephesians 5:29 (CEV)

So why give provide and care for others and not yourself?

The Greek word used here for “take good care of” literally means to keep warm—giving your loved ones warmth, trust, and safety from the inside out.

“Provide for” literally means to feed.

You feed—not with trash—but with goodness. Deep down, we all know that’s what feeding really means.

When you take good care of someone, you treat them as special and valuable.

As Derek Sivers puts it:

“Love is a combination of attention, appreciation, and empathy.”

—How to Live

How can you provide warmth when you’re icy cold? How can you feed goodness when you’re without food yourself?

How can you love others and neglect yourself?

Isn’t it insanity?

 

The Challenge of Self-Love and Self-Acceptance

Self-love is hard because you know yourself better than anyone else. You see every single flaw and hold yourself accountable. You’re aware of every weakness, every failure, every time you’ve been less than decent. You’ve been neurotic, narcissistic, and downright rotten at times.

You know all that about yourself—you can’t run from it.

But here’s the thing: you don’t know every little flaw in anyone else. That’s why it’s often easier to treat a stranger with more decency than family—and yourself.

With most people, you only see the polished version they present—not the “loser” you sometimes see in yourself.

How can you love someone you think is a loser?

It’s not easy.

But it starts with you. If you can learn to love yourself, you can love just about anybody. And that’s quite a worthwhile goal to pursue.

Put the measuring stick away.  And learn to love instead. 

“Intense love does not measure, it just gives.”

Mother Teresa

You hold yourself to ransom with your measuring stick because deep down you think this will change you for the better. 

But that’s not how this works!

“We cannot change, we cannot move away from what we are, until we thoroughly accept what we are.”

— Carl Rogers, On Becoming a Person

Self-love means accepting yourself. It means forgiving yourself. It means being authentically you. Why would you want it any other way?

 

Understanding Agape

The Greek word ἀγάπη (agape) occurs 116 times in the New Testament, so it carries a message worth knowing.

Greek language expresses love in many different words, allowing us to get specific about what we want to experience.

Agape is the highest form of love, often translated as unconditional or selfless love.

It means loving just because it’s a good thing to do. There’s no need for a reason; it’s love at its most fundamental level. The alternative to agape love is avoidance, fear, and anger—and who wants to live with those?

“Agape has to do with the mind: it is not simply an emotion which rises unbidden in our hearts; it is a principle by which we deliberately live.”

 —William Barclay

A principle by which we deliberately  live…

If we’re encouraged to have agape for others and for God, doesn’t it naturally follow that we should love ourselves as well? It’s so fundamental that it almost goes without saying. Surely, if you love God and God tells you He loves you, who are you to disagree?

Fyodor Dostoevsky is attributed with the quote:

“To love someone means to see them as God intended them.”

Why not see yourself as God see’s you?

But it’s more than just agreeing that God can love you—“Sure, God, You can love me. Why should I care?” It’s about agreeing emotionally. It’s deeper than intellect; it’s about the heart.

“Yes, God, I know You love me, and I’m open to truly feeling that love.”

And when you allow yourself to feel that love, that is an act of self love. That’s genuinely agreeing with God.

Kamal Ravikant beautifully captures this feeling:

“Imagine that. Imagine the feeling of catching yourself loving yourself without trying. It’s like catching a sunset out of the corner of your eye. It will stop you.”

—Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends on It

 

Practical Steps Toward Self-Love

Love is everything at the end of the day. It’s something scientists can’t measure, yet without it, nothing means anything. So, love yourself. You owe it to yourself. And if that doesn’t move you, think of those around you—you owe it to them too. You’ll be happier, and happy people tend to be good leaders, parents, bosses, teachers—everything.

When you find a source of love within yourself, you’ll be happier because you’re not relying solely on others for love. It’s unfair to expect constant love from others; they’re busy, frantic, and human. They need love too.

When you rely solely on others to provide you love, it’s draining. 

Wouldn’t you rather be a love giver than a drain? 

You’ll stop doing things out of duty and start doing them out of love. Once you learn to love yourself, you won’t need constant approval. Your heart will grow, and you can just love instead.

You’ve been through a lot. You need love—every part of you. The parts you’re not proud of need it even more. It’s time to start loving yourself.

Watch your self-talk: “I’m such an idiot,” “I never do that right,” “I’m such a loser,” “I shouldn’t be like that.” It’s okay—we all need to give ourselves a good talking-to now and then. But if it’s like that all the time…

Would you talk to your friend like that? They wouldn’t spend much time with you if they had any sense.

Be your own friend. Be kinder. Patient. Understanding.

Of course, don’t be toxically positive. When you see something you could do better, acknowledge it. But remember, that’s the loving thing to do. Just don’t beat yourself up.

Changing the way you think and feel about yourself takes time, effort, and consistency. Yes, repeating “I love myself” over and over again, as Kamal Ravikant advocates, can feel awkward. But it’s a way to reach your heart.

I did this for a few weeks, and it began to stick. It was the first thought I’d think upon waking. It was beautiful.

I wholeheartedly recommend his book, Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It.

Yes, it is cliché and clumsy. It feels uncomfortable.

But as Andrew Solomon advises:

“Think what you do not feel like thinking. It may be fake and self-delusional in some ways, but it does work.”

—The Noonday Demon

Sometimes, we have to push ourselves to think positively about ourselves, even when it feels unnatural. Over time, this practice can lead to genuine self-appreciation.

 

Conclusion

Self-love is perhaps the hardest, deepest, most profound aspect of your journey. It’s the deepest knot in your emotional matrix. But imagine the transformation that awaits once you begin to untangle it.

Isn’t it paradoxical that agape, selfless love, is the basis for being in touch with your loved ones, random strangers and God Himself?

That it makes you less self-conscious, less self-absorbed, and better able to serve the community…

And it starts with self love?

Embrace the paradox.

Are you ready to embark on this journey and unlock a more joyful, fulfilling life?

Focus on this, and everything will start to get better.

Psycheverse: “Love your neighbor as yourself…”

—Mark 12:31 (CEV)