When Faith Feels Lonely: Breaking Free from Perfectionism
“I feel like a frame, holding up somebody else’s life. I did not want this. You can have it all! I give it to you—please take the weight.”
—Old Journal Entry
I wrote these words during a season of deep struggle, unsure if anyone would ever read them. I felt cut off, trapped in a bubble of perfectionism, idealism, and loneliness. I was a Christian, yet I’d never felt more lonely. How could that be?
I’m beginning to realize that loneliness within Christian life often springs from one deceptively simple idea:
“I need to be a good Christian.”
At first glance, that sounds admirable. But behind it lurk countless unstated expectations and stigmas. We start believing that being a “good Christian” means:
- Having every answer.
- Arranging life into neat, tidy boxes.
- Acting as though Jesus’ love erases all struggle and leaves no room for messiness.
- Every negative thought and emotion? A work of the devil that must be banished.
But what if this isn’t the Christianity Jesus taught?
In fact, He came to free us from exactly this kind of mindset—the kind imposed by the Pharisees with their rigid, unreachable standards.
The Pharisaic Trap: Perfectionism and Disconnection
The Pharisees, in their noble quest for righteousness, ended up placing rules and ideals above everything else.
In their defense, their rigidity was an honest response to chaos and fear. They feared their Jewish world being overrun by Greek and Roman ideas. So they tightened up, trying to protect their identity. But their control came at a terrible cost—genuine connection. Instead of drawing nearer to God, people felt isolated, suffocated by stale religion rather than inspired by real relationship.
“Woe to you, because you load people down with burdens they can hardly carry, and you yourselves will not lift one finger to help them.”
—Matthew 23:4 (NIV)
This led to a kind of spiritual disconnection and loneliness, described by Jesus as a burdensome weight.
What Is This Weight?
The weight of Christian loneliness often comes from a tangled mix of:
- Perfectionism: “I must be flawless to be accepted.”
- Absolutism: “If I follow these rules perfectly, I’ll be fine.”
- Idealism: “I must chase a perfect Christian image rather than pursuing God Himself.”
- Cognitive Dissonance: “What I’m taught doesn’t match what I feel, yet I must pretend it does.”
“Jesus did not come to change the mind of God about humanity. Jesus came to change the mind of humanity about God.”
—Richard Rohr
This load isolates us, leaving us alienated from our faith, our community, and even our own hearts. Worse, it stops us from seeking help.
“These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me.”
—Matthew 15:8 (NIV)
Jesus saw how focusing on appearances, rather than the heart, only created more disconnection.
How Loneliness Manifests
In today’s world:
- We’re bombarded by social media, feeling forever “behind.”
- Endless distractions keep us from confronting our emotions.
For Christians:
- We attend church, pray, and serve, yet still feel unseen.
- We carry pressure to appear put-together, never vulnerable.
- We fear admitting that faith doesn’t make us immune to hardship.
Both forms of loneliness share a root: disconnection from our authentic selves. God never asked us to hide our struggles—He wants us to bring them to Him and to each other.
Rediscovering Authentic Faith
Jesus didn’t come to add burdens—He came to lift them:
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”
—Matthew 11:28 (NIV)
Rigid expectations and unrealistic ideals build walls. Honest relationship with God tears them down. Breaking the cycle requires:
- Acknowledge Your Inner Reality
Be honest about your emotions, even the uncomfortable ones. This is not a failure of faith but an act of courage.
- Reconnect with Others
True connection demands vulnerability. Share your struggles with a trusted friend, small group leader, or mentor. Scripture urges:
“Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.”
—James 5:16 (NIV)
- Reconnect with God Authentically
Approach Him messy and uncertain. He’s not impressed by a perfect façade. In fact:
“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted.”
—Psalm 34:18 (NIV)
Solitude: A Paradoxical Path for Loneliness
Loneliness isn’t always fixed by adding more people.
On the Huberman Lab Podcast, Legendary psychoanalyst James Hollis said:
“We all need to find what supports us when nothing supports us.”
At first glance, this seems counterintuitive. Loneliness cries out: “Nothing supports me! No one is there for me!” But perhaps, instead of rushing to fill the gap, we can view this as a doorway—to a deeper sense of self and, ultimately, connection.
This was a realization for Andrew Huberman as well: “I love the idea that spending time alone and accessing your deepest resource for self-care is a way to deal with loneliness.”
The crux of loneliness is often a disconnection, not with others, but with yourself.
Even Jesus, who was surrounded by people demanding His attention, regularly withdrew to be alone with God.
“But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed.”
—Luke 5:16 (NIV)
In those moments of solitude, Jesus modeled what it means to reconnect with the deepest source of strength and guidance. He didn’t avoid people—He intentionally stepped back to ensure He could engage with them authentically and purposefully.
The Pharisaic mindset thrives when we lose touch with our inner world, replacing authenticity with performance. Solitude, however, creates space to re-center. It allows you to hear God’s whisper and your own soul’s quiet voice.
“Loneliness is the poverty of self; solitude is the richness of self.”
—May Sarton
In stillness, we uncover the parts of ourselves buried beneath perfectionism and disconnection. This isn’t about withdrawing forever—it’s about pausing long enough to remember who you truly are and how deeply God loves you in your imperfection.
Embrace Your Humanity—And God’s Grace
Christianity isn’t about being flawless. It’s about being honest—with God, others, and yourself—and trusting Him to meet you right where you are.
“Vulnerability is not weakness. It’s our greatest measure of courage.”
—Brené Brown
Jesus reminded the Pharisees: “The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath.” (Mark 2:27) Today, He might say: “Christianity was made for man, not man for Christianity.”
The loneliness you feel isn’t evidence of failed faith—it’s an invitation to deeper understanding, healing, and transformation.
If you’re carrying that weight, start small:
- Whisper a prayer of honesty: “Lord, I’m lonely. Help me.”
- Spend intentional quiet time with God and yourself.
- Open up to a trusted friend or group leader.
- Consider speaking with a therapist who respects your faith journey.
Jesus came not to perfect us overnight, but to love us, heal us, and show us a better way. He came to teach us how to love ourselves and each other—flaws and all.
There is no shame in loneliness. Bring it into the light—God’s light, a friend’s compassion, or a counselor’s guidance—and watch as the weight you carry begins to lift.
You were never meant to carry it alone.
Psycheverse: “The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth.”
—Psalm 145:18 (NIV)
